Holy shit my dudes, you have no idea how long I’ve waited for this album to come out.
After the wild success of Ninja Sex Party’s previous original albums Attitude City (2015) and their cover albums Under The Covers (2016) and Under The Covers Vol. 2 (2017), NSP fans knew another tasty original album was on its way. So when we saw the announcement of their sixth album, Cool Patrol, at the end of the Danny Don’t You Know video, fans collectively freaked out. Waiting with baited breath, we could barely contain ourselves. Each piece of news, the TWRP collab announcement, the possibility of seeing new and old faces just got us even more hyped for release day; I was so hyped that I pre-ordered a signed copy of the physical CD. Now that it’s out and topping the Billboard Comedy Album charts in its first week, we’re so proud of our boys.
Just case y’all haven’t heard of these guys before, Ninja Sex Party are a comedy band often compared to The Lonely Island. The band consists of Danny Sexbang (Dan Avidan), an over-confident womaniser who is DTF at all times, and Ninja Brian (Brian Wecht), a silent homicidal ninja who’s blood lust cannot be quenched. These two sing about their sexcapades and murder sprees and occasionally do some sick 80’s rock covers. When they’re not rocking out as NSP or with their other band Starbomb, Danny and Brian are a part of Game Grumps, an amazing company with a huge YouTube channel that focuses on Let’s Plays of games such as Breath of The Wild, Stick Fight and Inside.
Now, let’s get down to it.
Here we open Cool Patrol with an intro, as is traditional for NSP. Danny gives us some sincere words of thanks and casual jabs at Ninja Brian, all blended with sensual double entendres and sexy wordplay. Brian’s piano jams in the background are perfect as always.
In Cool Patrol, Danny and Brian help a kid (Sean ‘Jacksepticeye’ McLoughlin) getting bullied with help from some familiar faces such as Mark ‘Markiplier’ Fischbach and Ryan Magee.
Back in October 2016, Cool Patrol was the first new track to drop from NSP since Attitude City. This track plays with comedic genre and tone changes, going from hardcore rock to kids instructional dance music. It’s not quite as extreme as ‘Cookies‘, but damn is it funny and catchy. Cool Patrol also starts the album gag of situations in the lyrical narrative getting weirder and/or worse. This sick jam paired with the high quality music video make for a great time. This is genuinely one of my turn up tunes.
Orgy For One
Intitially, I was not super into this one. However, like Danny Sexbang himself, this song is a grower. In this track, Danny invited people to an orgy, but no-one could come; he stills finds a way to score. You may feel bad for Danny, but this kind of situation is the norm for NSP. Full of crazy excuses and great guitar action by Kenny Harris AKA guitar legend for Panic! At The Disco, this self-loving anthem is an absolute bop. Maybe it’ll encourage you to arrange your own orgy for one tonight.
Danny Don’t You Know
This is unequivocally the best track on this album, perhaps NSP’s best one to date. Taking a slight detour from the usual dick jokes and seduction, we have a track ‘dedicated to all the nerds of the world’. Here a young Dan (played by Finn Wolfhard of Stranger Things) is visited by present-day Danny and receives a glimpse of his future. DDYK is an uplifting epic tune that feels as though it had to be made. That moment at 3:55 in the video where Dan goes acapella actually gives me life and if I see this performed live I think my soul will genuinely leave my body. Stick around til the end of the video for a heartwarming message and amazing pics of young Dan and Brian.
Release The Kraken
This epic narrative sees King Danny who, under siege by a demonic army, releases the Kraken, a mythical oceanic hell-beast. Another tone changer, this one is amazing to mouth the words into a hairbrush while getting ready for work. Also this is the first track which features Brian’s actual voice as the Kraken. Everything from his pleasant and underwhelming child-like manner to the way he says the word ‘lozenge’ cracks me up every time. It perfectly collides with Danny’s amazing vocals (I would argue that both this and DDYK show just how far Danny’s voice has come over time).
Ninja Brian Goes To Soccer Practice
NNBGTSP is not a song, but a quick skit and shows some classic Ninja Brian. Danny drops Ninja Brian off and reminds him to have fun and not stab anyone, yet Brian immediately begins stabbing his teammates, coach, and the referee. Dan happily praises Brian for lasting 12 seconds and breaking his previous record before Brian stabs him. It’s pretty damn funny considering it’s a tiny sound bite.
First of all, this is some Good Art ™ in the video. That’s some good art right there. Can I just say that Danny’s voice is super charming in this. Like, I know how dates with Danny Sexbang usually go and what he wants, but this and Heart Boner actually gave me feelings for a minute or so. First Date is a journey that starts out with trespassing and ends with murder and Brian getting the girl. It is another one of those that gets weirder and funnier the longer you listen and watch. There’s a genius key change in the final verse; it goes up on ‘Let’s kill ten guys tonight’ but goes back to normal when Danny tells Brian to chill on the murdering. Also, the girl is totally into the robbery and murder in the video; I guess Brian is her particular brand of crazy.
Right, this is one of two tracks on this album that I am not that into. It’s classic Danny Sexbang – being convinced he can seduce women with words but instead creating an aural hot mess of discomfort. The sexual innuendo and wordplay is very clever; I liked ‘schnubbing my own gank’ so much that I referenced it in the title of this article. It is funny trying to figure out what Danny is talking about when he says things like ‘I’m gonna lightly stroke your fflendal ’til you twarf’, but also it kinda makes me uncomfortable. I get why it’s there and lyrically it’s cool, but overall Smooth Talkin’ is not for me.
Heart Boner is the kind of song that sounds really romantic as long as you don’t listen too closely. Set to a classic chord set, Danny twists a romantic love ballad by expressing himself with language commonly used regarding boners; ‘I want to blast a load of feelings onto you’, ‘rail you with my class’ and ‘bust a nut of joy and light’ are my personal favourites. The video is genius: a beautiful mix of live action wooing and Disney style animation that comes complete with talking animals, a ballroom scene and Ninja Brian as a unicorn. I love this track!
Another short skit set to a beautiful piano background, Danny Sexbang reveals his long-term writing project and reads an excerpt. The writing is hilariously and frustratingly bad considering how long he’s worked on it. Brian makes his feelings very clear by halting the music and throwing a piano at Danny. Keep trying, buddy!
Eating Food in The Shower
This track is the other one that I personally am not too keen on. It’s energetic and enthusiastic, daring you to not nod along. In terms of Danny Sexbang’s life, this song is a milestone for him; he and his lady celebrate their three day anniversary by eating food in the shower. For the most part, Sexbang has only made the ladies stay for a day maximum, so congrats on the progress, Danny! Although there are funny lines such as ‘there’s shampoo in my tacos’ and ‘Hey is this mayo or conditioner? I have no idea!’, I feel like this song is just okay and is the weakest of the pre-releases. Danny sings quickly which is fine, but this means that sometimes he isn’t clear in his pronunciation. The video is funny, so give it a watch and see what you think.
Courtship of the Mermaid
This one is my fourth favourite track on the album behind Cool Patrol, DDYK and Release The Kraken. Following a similar vein to ‘Peppermint Creams‘ and ‘The Sacred Chalice‘ series, here we have an almost medieval ballad about wooing a beautiful mermaid with pizza. Another tone changer, we switch between Danny singing in awe surrounded by angels to screaming ‘hey do you want pizza?’ First of all, pizza is superior to filet mignon and Danny’s tactic would have worked on me. I hope Danny made it to a hospital okay.
Way funnier than ‘FYI I Wanna F Your A‘, I can think of some people who need to hear this track. An upbeat sounding band number, Danny patronises the listener wondering if they’ve ‘cracked the code’. Who do you need to show this track to?
Taking place at Danny’s ‘huge mansion in space’, we head to his ridiculously lavish mansion party that goes from rad to bad real fast. We see his diamond fridge and laser car before guests get mauled by battle pandas. The line ‘They’re dropping pandas left and right’ will never not be funny to me. It’s a cool jam that’s really chill to listen to, just try not to chuckle aloud on the commute to work.
Once again, Danny thanks us for listening to the album, confessing that he hopes that it ‘touched your heart, your mind, your butt, your soul, your butt again and your schpoodle’. He and Ninja Brian promise to ‘have sex with and/or kill’ as many listeners as possible. Good luck with that guys!
Overall, Cool Patrol is indeed the best album by NSP to date and I am super proud of them. Please give it a listen and share it around – these guys really deserve all the support in the world. Now I lie in wait for my signed CD – let me know what you think about Cool Patrol in the comments below or hit me up on Twitter @apageoutofchloe.